As I mentioned in my last post, my birthday came up on June 4th. I finally am no longer in my thirties. As a friend gently reminded me, I am actually entering my FOURTH decade (thanks!! Cough cough!). LOL…
The night before I turned 40, I actually had a little ‘meltdown’ truth be told. I had a long and emotional day and organising a last minute birthday party for myself was taking it’s toll. I came home to find the children have all somehow disappeared. It actually pleases me to see all my children at home when I come home from work. I cooked dinner and after yelling and asking the kids to set the table and to eat dinner a few too many times and getting no response, I lost it. I decided that I didn’t want to be angry with my kids. It makes me very tired and disappointed. I hate being angry with my kids. It’s a negative feeling and I don’t like negativity.
I ‘sulked’ in bed and decided that I should just meditate the evening away. Getting older is a tiring business it seems. So I fell asleep. Hubby came to get me and told me that the kids were sorry they made me angry and they were hiding as they were making me special home made birthday cards. Cue feeling guilty now. Oohh….
I came down and cuddled the husband on the sofa. I wanted to write this blog post that night but my new business was on my mind. Writing on my blog means me needing to have clarity and calm. I like being honest and truthful and when you’re in a negative or tired space, it gets harder to find honesty.
What does it mean to turn 40? For so many women, especially in the past, it means being over the hill. The kids would have been quite late in their teens and mummy is ready to take it a little easier. Well, I guess in today’s world, being 40 is completely different than it was before. Besides having a soon to be 15 yr old teenager, I still have a 2 yr old toddler staying home and who still needs help going to the toilet. I still have some sleepless nights when the 2 younger ones fall ill.
Lots of 40 year olds are conquering things and ambitions that used to be out of bounds for their female ancestors and many are just starting the family they envisioned having when they were in their 20s. I personally know many more who are still living a full life and are women I greatly admire. Some are women I can call my friends.
Truth be told, I still don’t know what it means to be a 40 year old. My body, to me, still feels like I could be in my late 20’s. Despite bearing 4 kids and having had tough pregnancies, and suffering from hypothyroidism, I still have the muscles from years of being a competitive athlete and a performer/dancer.
I have always thought that my mind is ‘old’ since I was young and when talking to people older than me, they always swore that I was decades older than my age. In that sense, I am glad that I finally am coming in to the age group I have always been mistaken for. I have always loved being mistaken for an older person as I perceived to be getting more respect and wisdom.
I guess really, age is just a number. The joke used to be, “You’re as old as the woman you feel” for men as many tend to marry younger ones than them. So for me, it’s the activities that you do that determines how you perceive your age. And one activity that I love that helps me think young is going to music festivals. And I cannot wait for this year’s Glastonbury to come round.
This year too I thought I’ll indulge in a little narcissistic photoshoot. I hired someone whom I thought is a fabulous fashion photographer who’s work I have greatly admired for some time. After losing some ‘hard to shift’ weight I gained from my disorder, I decided that this is probably the body and face I will have to appreciate for life. I wanted this not just in my memories but also in person, in a photobook.
Rushing in the morning after kids school drop off, I put on my ‘model make up’ and ‘model hairdo’ and rushed to the agreed location to shoot a few outfits that I feel says a lot about how I feel about myself. I was very self conscious and felt a little fake in the beginning. The photographer, Igor Fain, did a very good job of making me feel really comfortable and like a real model. Thank you Igor!!
And to those reading, please let me indulge you in the few hours I could imagine, being a model. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and I hope you too, reading this.